Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I want her autograph on my taint
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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