Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I'm really busy with my period
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