Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
