If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
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