You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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