In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
