while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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