Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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