I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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