last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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