You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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