i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
