My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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