He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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