A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
