No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
