just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
