loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I don't deserve a penis
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
