I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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