Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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