if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
