I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
