if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
