dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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