you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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