if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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