Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
