just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
