I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
