i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize