who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
