Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I love you. Go after that dick
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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