In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
