i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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