John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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