so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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