I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
