EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
