I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
