saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
