it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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