Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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