The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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