Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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