So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
