i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
