The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
