Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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