I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I don't think brook has ever known best
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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