I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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