I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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