I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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