I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
