I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Ladies don't puke and tell
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
