please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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