wrigley field is MILF paradise
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
