i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
