i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
