I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize