i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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