last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
