i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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