Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
