My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
