I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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