I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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