I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
cat food counts as protein by the way
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
