She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
this is an emotional support booty call
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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