I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
