Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
this boner is exhausting
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
