I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
