If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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